


Together

by Melisenda



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 02:07:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5316209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melisenda/pseuds/Melisenda





	1. 1925

Andy couldn’t understand. He tossed and turned in the bed too short searching for a  position less uncomfortable to fall asleep, but even if he felt tired, he had a hard time to get sleep. The memories of the last few months crowded his mind like pieces of a mosaic that couldn’t match.

Mr. Barrow in London, straight as a ruler, explaining when to serve tea. Mr. Barrow at the Velvet Violin, saving his ass and money, winning, probably gambling, without anything in return.

Mr. Barrow at the Abbey, smiling and always willing to help. Mr. Barrow at the Grantham Arms, with flushed cheeks and a shy and girlish smile while ordering  two pints to the young, blond bartender.

Mr. Barrow lost in front of his rejections, hurt by the criticism of the others, more and more sad, more and more alienated, more and more alone.

He sat up, rubbing his hands over and over again between the dark curls, as if trying to collect his thoughts with his fingers.

It was a  mistake to push him away like that.  To fancy men wasn’t a problem for Andy. Until he didn’t bother  him he could do what he wanted, and Mr. Barrow had never bothered him for sure. Then the others began with criticism, allusions and Andy suddenly felt uneasy.

But no, it couldn’t be the reason why he did it. They were friends again, Andy and Mr. Barrow. He had helped Andy to read  on that children’s books he had taken at the village;  words written in large and distinct letters, accompanied by figures that would make easy to understand what the story was about.   
Sometimes Thomas reread a few words to him, the beautiful, soft lips rippling or stretching while spelling, his voice low and deep. Thomas had seemed less sad in those moments, but then Mr. Dawes had offered to teach Andy, explaining  he had something called dyslexia and it was like a disease and dyslexia was the reason he couldn’t learn to read, but there were methods to help him, methods that Thomas couldn’t know, and even so he was able to teach him something...

Andy was astonished, but then he had begun to read and write thanks to Mr Dawes’s exercises and tricks and he was so happy that maybe had forgotten Mr. Barrow a bit. Daisy smiled, he could  hope for a future in the farm, working with Mr. Mason and everything seemed perfect. So Thomas had slipped back into the shadows, in a distant corner of his thoughts, until a week ago, when Mrs. Baxter had  ran toward him, asking about Thomas.

Did he really fell so alone? Could Andy really make a difference? One more word, more attention? But he was daft and clumsy and had never been good with speeches. He knew how to do things, that’s why he liked to work at the farm, but to talk was not his strong suit. Neither Thomas’s, apparently.   
Since that terrible afternoon he had become even quieter, if possible, and had almost completely stopped talking with Andy. 

He had approached the door of Thomas’s  room sometimes, and had heard him crying. But if Thomas didn’t want even to talk,  it was difficult to help. Yet what had happened somehow had affected him deeply. It was not only the shock and pain. It wast he  fear. What if Mrs. Baxter didn’t come back?  If they hadn’t shown up when they did? The  sense of emptiness, of absence, that made him weak in the knees  and sick in  the stomach,  could he stand it until the end of his life, if Thomas could really put an end to his?

But Andy seemed to have lost any chance to support now. Thomas looked at him with lifeless eyes, and wherever he went, Andy was not able to catch him.

 

~~

 

"Mrs. Baxter, can I have a word?"

"Of course Andy. Out here?"

"I'd rather prefer here, yes ..."

They sat down on the old bench near the door. In front of them the yard was dark.

Andy sighed, scratched behind his ears, looked around embarrassed while Phyllis waited patiently for him to find the nerve to get to the point.

"Mrs. Baxter, I was wondering ... I noticed these days ..."

"What did you notice?"

Andy cleared his throat, coughing. It was not as easy as he had thought. "Mr Barrow..."

"What about him?"

"Mr. Barrow speaks with you"

Phyllis looked at him puzzled "Mr. Barrow talks with everyone"

"Yes, no, I mean... Not good morning and goodbye. He really speaks to you. When you ask him how he is, he tries to answer. He doesn’t even look at me. I don’t know what to do. I would like to help but it is impossible, it is as if I were transparent ... "

Phyllis smiled tenderly  "You must insist"

"But he’ll get angry!"

"No. Or maybe a little at first, but not really. He ... You know, when you're used to being treated badly by people, you no longer believe it when little kindness comes from someone"

Andy looked at her with his big green eyes full of sadness.

"You're so young. For you it’s hard to understand. Thomas is like a stray dog. Too many times he approached an outstretched hand hoping for a caress and taking only a beating. So he got used to growl in front of any helping hand, but now ... now he is so tired he lowers his head and waits for the beating without even defending himself…"

"Mrs. Baxter..." Andy felt uncomfortable. He understood what she was saying, but it seemed so wrong to talk like that  about Mr. Barrow, about his feelings. Thomas would rather die than have their pity!

"If you want to help him, you must insist Andy. Let him know that you truly care. He doesn’t need people asking how he is and leaving not even waiting for an answer. You must find a way to approach him, to get him to talk a little more”

"I don’t know how…"

"For real? Yet it seems to me you two were truly friends when you arrived at first!"

Andy blushed "It looks like ages ago, not only a year..."

"Life changes us Andy, whether we like it or not"

 

~~

 

Andy thought a lot about what Phyllis had said, and insisted. The weeks had became months and roles were reversed: now was Andy to ask Thomas to reach the village together, to go to the farm, to have a walk around, promptly getting rejected. Kindly but strongly. In the evening Thomas hid himself behind the usual Evening Post, using it as a shield against the world, and refused every invitation to play cards or checkers or chess. Andy now had a taste of his own medicine, and it was incredibly bitter. The knowledge that, unlike Thomas,  he could rely on the kindness and friendship of all the others downstairs, made him feel even worse.

A chance to change the situation occurred to him one morning while trying to wind one of the clocks. It was impossible to turn the key and  the clock couldn’t play the quarters. Carefully Andy took it in servant's hall.

"Mr. Barrow, I was wondering if you could help me. There is something wrong but I cannot figure out what it is" 

Thomas looked at him with the usual blank stare but approached the table.

"Is it the Junghans?"

"Yes, it is the german one. Usually I wind hour and half hour and didn’t realize that the quarter didn’t work... "

“The Austrian one…” Thomas moved closer, bowing his head to look at the gears inside "The spring is broken... It’s why the key doesn’t turn.  I could  take it apart and see… but I need my tools"

"Do you have time now?"

Thomas looked at him, torn "Yes, I would have at least an hour free..."

"Will you show me then?"

Andy saw Thomas’s face squirming with anxiety and indecision. " I should... do things ... I can lend you the tools"

"I wouldn’t know what to do. I never dismantled a mechanism before"

Thomas bit his lip and rubbed his hands nervously going to the door, but at the last moment turned quickly "All right. The time to go upstairs to get what I need. Put on the table a sheet of newspaper. I'll be right there"

Phyllis, standing in the kitchen doorway, looked at Andy and smiled.

 

~~

 

It was not easy, and it took months, but now Thomas was smiling, though rarely, and sometimes they came to the village together, or went to drink a beer at the Grantham Arms. No one had had anything to say about it.

"Mr. Barrow?" Andy was turning in his hands the pint of beer but couldn’t find the words.

"What is it, Andy? Do you have something important to say? " Thomas gave him the usual gentle and condescending  smile. As  always, Andy grew nervous. After all that time,  Mr. Barrow saw him still as a kid, and this thought  made him increasingly annoyed, although he didn’t understand why. Basically everyone treated him like a kid...

"Andy?"

"I want to show you something"  he pulled out a small box and placed it on the table.

Thomas opened it and smiled "Thanks Andy, but you shouldn't have gone to the trouble, and furthermore I think it is not my size…"

"It’s for  Daisy!"

"Really? What a disappointment!" Thomas laughed. Andy's expression at that moment was priceless.

"Hey Clive bring us a couple of scotch, we must celebrate! My  friend here is getting married!"

Andy added "But she has not yet accepted!"

"She will! She makes eyes at you  for years!"

The bartender came and put the glasses in front of them "Congratulations, lad! Even if  I thought..."

Thomas looked at him with narrowed eyes "What? What did you think? "

The man smiled, returning the gaze "Nothing, nothing important ... but I am glad, I am really glad, Andy. It's a beautiful news. The next two pints are on the house!"

Andy, with irritation, wondered which news made so happy the bartender, if his marriage or the fact he and Thomas were not a couple. When the man walked away, called by other customers, Andy felt relieved.

"So what are you going to do? Go live at the farm with Daisy and Mr. Mason?"

"This would be the idea. In a year or two I should be able to take care of the farm alone, obviously leaving the work of footman ..."

"Yeah ... I'm really happy for you” Thomas had become serious.

"Something wrong?"

"No. It’s all right. Only… Are you really sure Andy? Have you thought this through? I mean, Daisy is a dear girl, honest, a hard worker... "

Andy looked at him puzzled "But?"

Thomas sighed. Who was he to make that kind of talk? "Just remember you will have  as mother-in-law Mrs. Patmore!” He  grinned finishing the glass of scotch and  swallowed even the pint of beer before starting to talk again.

"Daisy is a grown woman, but only recently she had begun to wonder who she is and what she wants to do in life. And if she will accept, and she will accept for sure, she  will have to decide this with you Andy. For someone  it is normal to grow together, facing the trials of life, such as Lord and Lady Grantham. Others feel themselves changed and looking back to the past sometimes they think that maybe it would be better to make different choices. Daisy is a stubborn woman, clever but… but not very sensitive. She can hardly understand what others feel, and sometimes it makes things  hard... For her it’s all white or black, and the  infinite shades of gray that are in the middle simply don’t exist"

"Mr. Barrow, you are all talk, but I cannot figure out if those are criticisms or compliments"

Thomas sighed again "Neither one nor the other Andy. Simply findings. But never mind, I just drank too much. I'm really happy for you!"

 

~~

 

A couple of weeks later, Thomas stood out in the yard, smoking,  when Phyllis joined him breathless.

"Mr Barrow..."

"What happens, Mrs. Baxter?"

"Lady Grantham would like to talk to you. She is waiting in the library"

Thomas immediately felt suffocated with anxiety. He threw the cigarette to the ground and tried to breathe slowly. At least it wasn’t Carson who wanted to talk to him. He could not stand it again.

"Do you know what ...?"

Phyllis shook her head.

"All right. Are you coming with me? "

The woman looked at him surprised.

"Please Phyllis, come along with me. I cannot face this all alone. No more..."

He walked slowly to the door and Phyllis followed him in silence.

 

~~

 

"In short Lady Grantham offers to Mr. Barrow the work of secretary at the York Hospital! Isn’t it wonderful?" Phyllis smiled happily.

Andy looked at her in amazement. Thomas hadn’t said anythin ... "And where is now Mr. Barrow?"

"He went to York with Lady Grantham and Dr. Clarkson. They'll be back this evening after dinner. They wanted to introduce him to the other members of the Committee"

"And Mr. Barrow has already accepted?" Carson was annoyed.

Mrs. Baxter looked at him with condescension "He was dazed, but it is a wonderful opportunity"

Andy sighed "Yeah. Absolutely ... But will he have to move to York?"

"Of course he will have to move to York! What do you pretend? That he works by phone from here continuing to serve upstairs? Rather bring up this tray, or do you want them to drink only this evening?" Mrs. Patmore stared irritated with the tray in her hands.

Andy grabbed it guiltily "Sure Mrs. Patmore. I'm sorry"

He walked down the stairs trying to ignore the stomach ache. He and Daisy getting married in three weeks and Thomas moving to York. Too many changes all at once, it was natural to feel a bit agitated. He  wondered how Thomas was feeling. Certainly he was happy. A good place, probably better paid, a job from  nine to five o'clock, a house in York. Of course they would meet less, but Andy could visit, and Thomas could come to the farm on his days off. Everything was going well. He entered the living room smiling. It would be all right.

 


	2. 1930

"Thomas?"

"Come in, the door is open, I'm in the kitchen!"

Andy took off his coat and laid it on the chair next to the stove "Outside it's cold, it will snow again!"

"Did you come with the car? You shouldn’t! What if you get stuck in the snow? "

"I'll call to advice I will be back tomorrow morning! Don’t  be  always so  whiny!"

Thomas was preparing some sandwiches and the water for tea was on the fire "It 's almost ready. Do you want something to eat? "

"No, I want to fuck"

"Two minutes and the water boils..."

"Take it off from the fire, I wanna fuck"

"I made some sandwiches..."

Andy hugged him, the back of Thomas against his chest. He put his mouth to the ear of his companion whispering "I'm not thirsty and I'm not hungry. I just wanna fuck. Remove the water from the fire and come here!"

Thomas had no jacket and had turned his sleeves over. Andy smiled satisfied noting that his sighs had made him goose bumps.

He dragged the man into the other room and began to undress him "Here it’s fine, it's hot ..."

"The stove works well, better than the fire place ..."

"Well, so we can be naked without catching a cold...."

"Andy..."

"No Andy! I don’t like that tone when you say Andy like this! Come here instead, close to me"

He sat on the bed as finished undressing himself and attracted Thomas close, stripping his latest clothes. Then hugged him, the face pressed on  his stomach, rubbing softly against his erection "You're so hard, so huge… you're beautiful..."

Thomas looked at him anxiously "Doesn’t it bother you?"

Andy made an odd gaze, then moved away spreading his thighs "Do I look bothered? Don’t be daft!" Leaning forward he began to lick the tip, the shape, the base of Thomas’s cock. The man couldn’t help but sink his fingers through Andy’s soft curls while his knees shaking.

"Come on luv, come on honey, come to me" Andy was lying on the bed pulling his companion over himself  "Come on, I don’t take it anymore. I missed you so much. Ten days without seeing you, it was torture. Come on, please"

Thomas straddled over him and they began to kiss and caress with tenderness. The younger man smiled feeling his mate trembling, anxious, defenseless. There was not even a shadow of appeasement in Thomas’s eyes. In front of him Andy wasn’t a naïve kid anymore. Thomas  was  yet sour, bitter, cynical, introvert, somehow indifferent to the world, but in his arms he melted, wanting to please  him in every way, worried to make the wrong move. Andy knew  Thomas’s  deep insecurity was the result of sadness  and loneliness and he felt guilty because of the pleasure he got from it, but he couldn’t help himself.

He leaned over to grab the vial of glycerin that Thomas used to soften the scar on his hand and always kept on the nightstand beside the bed. The oily liquid was perfect to make the rubbing more enjoyable. He grabbed both cocks with the right hand, with some difficulty, and put his other hand on the hip of his companion, inviting him to move "Please darling, please. It feels so good! I cannot wait anymore!”

 

~~

 

Thomas had accepted Lady Grantham’s proposal and had moved to York four years earlier. 

He had rented a small cottage a half-hour walk from the hospital. It needed a makeover but was dry and the rent was affordable. 

After so many years living in a room without even a bathroom, to have an entire house all for himself was wonderful. Above all he liked to eat what he wanted, no longer depending on the choices of someone else, take a bath whenever he wanted, put all his things on the shelf above the sink: brush and comb, tooth powder, tooth brush, razor, shaving soap. There was no more need to carry them around, worrying to dry everything before putting it away, leaving the bathroom spotless. Now he could throw a towel on the floor and put it to wash in the morning and no one would complain. 

They were small things, but helped him feel better. And Thomas wanted just that, to feel better.

Andy visited him occasionally on days off, even after marriage, but not as often as he would have wanted. They had dinner together, chatted, If the weather was fine they went for  a walk around or stayed at home over a cup of tea. 

Andy now could handle reading and writing, but to read wasn’t his favorite thing in the world. 

Mr. Dawes had assured him that it was normal for a man with his kind of problem to make a great effort at the beginning and with time things would improve,  but it was hard thing to swallow. Novels were like an enchanted , forbidden world. So sometimes Thomas offered to read for him, because it was much easier to focus in listening for Andy. Once or twice a month, in the little cottage echoed the gloomy stories of Frankenstein's monster and Dracula's wives, Sherlock Holmes’s  investigations, John Carter’s  fantastic trips to Mars and Thomas and Andy’s laughter.

"Do you think one day we'll go to Mars, too?"

"Nope"

"Why?"

"It would take too long. People should go young, having  children during the trip and only their children or maybe grandchildren would arrive there"

"It 'so far?"

"Yes, I would say so..."

"You think I'm stupid, do you?"

" No Andy, indeed I think quiet the opposite. You did a good job at covering your… gaps, being able to do more and better than others ... "

"When you say that, I almost believe you..."

 

~~

 

The year before Branson had decided to open a machine shop with Mr. Talbot and Lady Mary had offered Andy the vacancy job of estate manager because Lord Grantham was getting older and she could not deal by herself with another baby on the way.

Daisy had continued to work at the Abbey. And to be an active suffragette…

After 1928 Andy thought she would stay at home more often, instead  started the “Committees period”. There was a committee for everything: for the school in Ripon, for the bridge in  Harrogate, for the train station in Dalton. There were always charity sales to organize, collect funds to be invested, meetings to attend. Andy watched Daisy wearing hat and coat in the early morning, saying hello absentmindedly, lunch and dinner ready to heat up in the cupboard, and saw her again in the evening just before bed. Hardly they exchanged two words. And Andy was trying to remember when they had ever really talked. 

Things got worse when Daisy lost the baby and Dr. Clarkson confirmed that she wouldn’t be able to have kids any more. Daisy had made it clear she liked his attention no longer, considering them unnecessary since they couldn’t have children, and Andy went to sleep on the couch, finding out  that basically he didn’t  mind at all because the person who was supposed to be the closest had become a stranger. Worse, she had always been a stranger. 

They got  married because everyone had said it was a good idea, it would be a perfect alliance. But to tell the truth Daisy didn’t care about the farm and had no interest in anything Andy loved. When he talked about  the stories Thomas read for him, she looked at Andy with a puzzled and pitiful gaze "Do you read that stuff? Wouldn’t it be better an essay, or a history book? One of Thoreau’s works? Anyway,  Shakespeare’s?"

"You know darling, I am a bit daft, I wouldn’t  understand..."

A Sunday in July, coming back from a trade fair in Thirsk, in one of the rare free moments since he had started working as a manager, Andy went to visit Thomas. He knocked uncertain at the door  because it had been impossible to advise. He was beginning to think that there was no one at home when a strange voice  asked "Whassup?"

When the door opened, Andy knew immediately why Thomas’s voice sounded so strange. He smelled of alcohol.

"Thomas! What the heck! What happened?"

"Hello Andy! How lon'! Now ‘scuse me but I‘m veeeeery bizy" He was about to close the door but Andy blocked it with a foot. "Let me in! I'll make you some coffee"

"Heeeeey! Wheeeere d'ya think yeeeeer goin’?. I don’t wanna yoooor stupid coffee" He stumbled a few times before  he could reach the chair next to the table. He poured himself another scotch "I wanna get drunk ‘til faintin’, wheeeeether you like it‘r not ... A drink?"

Andy shook his head and sat down next to him "What happened?"

"Anything. Nothing. Nothingeverhappens. And that's the problem. That’sthefukingproblem. Nothing Ever Happens" He looked at Andy for a moment, at his worried and sad expression "Don’t make that face. It's nothing. I'm sorry ya have to see me like this" He tried to hold back  the lock of hair that fell heavily on his forehead  "Ya come at a bad time. I just wanna spend some time alone” He sighed  "I'll call ya toomorro. Go now"

"You're always alone"

"Sorry?"

"And this is the real problem. That you feel alone... That’s  always been your problem, even at the Abbey..."

Thomas downed another glass  "Andy, pleeese, go" He stood up suddenly to accompany him to the door. Andy also rose, but didn’t move and Thomas, who was too close to him, was forced to retreat a few steps and to lean against the edge of the table.

"Ya wanna‘now ... ya really wanna’now whassit..." The alcohol he had swallowed fasting was making its effect.

"I'll tell ya. So ya leave me alone, and ya won’t come back "

Andy crossed his arms over his chest and waited patiently. Thomas seemed so young and fragile. He would want to speak in an aggressive tone,  instead it turned out only desperate.

"Three days ago. A man went. Into the hospital, I mean. Someone like me, Andy. They all ‘new. They ‘new him. You should have seen the way they treat him ... he was old and sick ... And no one came... He died alone! No one was there! No one! To hold his hand, to put his stuff, no one to warn... It will be the same for me! No one will be there! I feel just…  I feel so lonely ... " He stood,  head sunk between his shoulders, his hands clenching the edge of the table so hard  that his knuckles turned white, his voice hoarse from alcohol and crying. Andy thought he should be in this state at least from the night before.  If he hadn’t come by chance, Thomas wouldn’t have said anything. How many times it had already happened? How many times it was going to happen again?

"I'm not afraid of dying, I am afraid to die alone! I wake up in the night and cannot breathe. I am not yet forty, Andy! I want hugs, caresses. I want… I want someone in my bed. I want to be kissed..." Thomas had spoken up all the time with his head down. Suddenly raised his face, looking straight into Andy’eyes "My mouth is pretty, isn’t it?" He had a light in his eyes Andy had never seen, something sensual and helpless at the same time.

"Beautiful ..." Andy raised a hand to stroke his cheek and Thomas grabbed his wrist, pressing the callous palm against his face, against his soft lips. And trembled.

"I wanna make love Andy, wanna feel your hands... the hands of a man on me. I wanna  be taken, fucked, loved! It 's been so long since the very last time..."

Andy connected their forehead and slid his hand from Thomas’s cheek to his neck, stroking slowly  "Sex is not this great deal ..." As he spoke he felt a great sadness for his friend, but above all for himself.

"Watare ya sayin’? It’s the most beautiful thing in the world..." Thomas had grabbed Andy’s hand again and held it in his. "It makes you feel alive, makes you feel happy, makes you want to cry… and laugh too,  at the same time... Sex lets you become… a sort of..  an extension of each other… you ‘now…  one body, one soul... ya can’t Andy… ya can’t touch another soul in any other way" Words didn’t come easily. Andy didn’t understand if it was ‘cause of the alcohol or the emotion.

"One body and one soul" Andy repeated the last words with a sarcastic tone "Well I'll tell you one thing Thomas. I've never seen her naked, my wife has never even wanted to strip in front of me! When I approached and tried to hug her, in the dark, always in the dark because I was never allowed to see her, she raised her nightgown without saying a word, without taking a breath, waiting quiet and silent for me to finish, and I didn’t!  I couldn’t! It was horrible! And I don’t know what  I did wrong...  Now I sleep on the couch, for months, but that's all right, I prefer it to that void, to that cold, the nothing it was before!" He began to cry. Violent sobs that shook him. He felt like an idiot. Thomas was hurt and he told him about his problems with Daisy!  But when he had heard his friend speak like that, sadness and frustration and anger he had kept hidden for too long had ran out.

Thomas hugged him affectionately, stroking his back "Andy... I'm sorry, I didn’t know... don’t care what I say, I just drank too much. I'm sorry lad, I'm sorry. I couldn’t know. I'm so sorry"

Thomas must have really drunk too much, because he prayed God to give him at least a bit of happiness in the arms of the only man he loved in the world, a man tender and sweet and strong that made him laugh, without thinking about the absurdity of his prayer.

Andy leaned in the hug and felt the warm of Thomas ‘s body against his. Were those strange speeches to make him so excitable, or was Thomas’s masculine scent and his hot skin and the strong arms?

Feel alive... Even Andy wanted to feel alive again, to feel happy. He stood aside to look Thomas in the eyes, soft, liquid, shiny. He put his lips on Thomas's, beautiful, beautiful and soft. The kiss became greedy.

Thomas strangely not only hadn’t rejected him  but also had responded enthusiastically putting arms around his neck. Andy hold him with roughness. He had never felt in all his life that feeling of power and strength and desire. Thomas had hatched like a flower, accepting him completely. Sitting on the table he had spread his legs encircling his hips and pulling Andy close against his chest. Realizing his companion was fully erect, Thomas made a hoarse sound, almost animal, and began to unbutton his pants, never stopping to kiss him, to bite his lips, searching for the tongue and sucking and licking the tip. When Andy felt Thomas's hand grabbing his erection he began to tremble, shaken by violent tremors. He clung on to him, clawing his hips, to prevent from falling. Thomas’s fingers were long and strong and the way they ran along  his turgid cock and then caressed the testicles at the base and retraced their journey back to the tip was driving him crazy. The man grabbed Thomas under the thighs, lifting him. Thomas instinctively clutched at his back. Barely balancing Andy managed to reach the couch and slid down with Thomas straddling him.

"Mr. Parker! It’s impressive, you know, really impressive..."

Thomas unbuttoned Andy’s shirt and then slid to his knees between the long, slender legs, in front of his exposed erection. His eyes were feverish. Andy thought he was wonderful, but he couldn’t think of anything else when Thomas took him in his mouth. What he felt was beyond his imagination. To be desired, accepted, completely taken, it made him vibrate inside. For a moment he believed his heart would burst. Suddenly he stopped his companion and made him lie, grabbing his shoulders. Then he was on top, trying to keep Thomas’s thighs raised, getting his pants off. Thomas's eyes widened when he felt Andy's erection pressing against his orifice. The young man began to push, trying to make his way inside him. Thomas raised his arms to cover the face and held his breath. Andy tried to penetrate him, but it was too tight, too dry. He froze frightened. He felt pain and Thomas had stiffened and retracted.

"Honey, let me see your face, please," With gentleness made him push aside his arms. Thomas's face was a mask of pain, lips pursed in a grimace. Andy got afraid "What happened? What have I done?"

"I'm sorry Andy, I'm so sorry. I don’t... I’m not good, not in this way! We can’t do so!  I'm not a woman, you cannot take me like that. You must ... We need... If you want to do this I need to be prepared, with fingers, you know, and you have to use something, cream, oil..." Andy looked at him in shock and Thomas covered his face again "I’m sorry! I'm disgusting. You despise me now! Forgive me!" He was sobbing.

Andy hugged him "Thomas, stop, calm down. It’s my fault, all my fault. Thomas... You have to explain, you have to show me. I want to make you feel good, like I want you to make the same to me... I just want you to enjoy it,  treasure, but you have to teach me, you must tell me what to do, please. Please!"

"Are you sure?" Thomas wiped his reddened eyes with the palms of his hands.

Andy tenderly kissed away the last tears "Please..."

 

They fell asleep clinging to each other, but when Andy awoke he was alone. He washed and dressed quickly and went out in search of Thomas. He was smoking seated on  the low stone wall which separated  the garden from the road.

"Thomas..."

"You have to go. NOW!"

"Thomas!"

"You must go HOME! It was all a mistake! I wasn’t meself and you ... you took pity on your poor, unhappy friend. That's all! Now go home and think no more about it…"

"Thomas..."

"Don’t come here anymore, Andy. I never want to see you here again. I ruin everything I touch. I'm damaged goods… You must think of Daisy!" The cigarette danced in his trembling hand.

Andy sighed.

"You must think of Daisy, of your family! God, Andy! Do you want to be like me? Do you want people to call you perverted? Queer? Freak? Do you want to live with the fear of being blackmailed? Going to jail? Go back to Daisy, talk with her, try to fix what's wrong, whatever it is, take with you three or four orphans and live happily and never, NEVER return here!"

"Is this what you want? Really?"

Thomas said nothing. He couldn’t.

Andy turned away, climbed into the van without saying a word and left. Two weeks later he knocked at Thomas’s door again and entered without waiting for an answer, because Thomas made him feel alive and happy, and to make love to him meant to become one body, one soul.


	3. 1970

Samuel moved across the corridor and saw immediately the old guy punching  the vending machine.

"Damn trap! At least gimme my money back!"

The male nurse approached smiling "Mr. Parker! Good evening!  Leave it to me! Do you want tea or coffee?"

Andy muttered, disconsolate "Tea. Thank you…"

Samuel pressed the button for tea, put a paper cup under the spout and pushed start. With a rather annoying buzz the paper cup filled up.

Samuel gave him the tea "Be careful, it's hot"

"You were here even last night, didn’t you?"

The young man blushed slightly "Yes, Mr. Parker. Yesterday was my turn. Tonight I replace a colleague. Many people don’t like to do the night shift. Especially during  Christmas holydays...”

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Not really…” He poured himself a cup of coffee "How is Mr. Barrow?"

Andy smiled "Fine. He leaves tomorrow. I can’t wait!"

"The ward will be much quieter without you two! Half of Yorkshire came to visit and the other half called on the phone..."

"I apologize…"

"No! Sorry! I didn’t want to be sassy! It goes without saying, he was Director here for almost twenty years, it’s obvious that most of the staff came to greet"

"They are all so nice and kind!"

"But you must have some rest. At least those two last nights you could sleep at home..."

"I couldn’t if he isn’t there. I tried..." Andy felt a little stupid to say something like that to a stranger. As if to justify himself,  added "He scared us so much! We were all sitting at the table for Christmas dinner, Thomas was telling us something when suddenly froze. He gasped without being able to speak... "

Samuel smiled kindly, trying to reassure him, "Don’t worry. What matters is that the ischemic attack only been a short time. The damage was minimal. Now you only need to pay attention to a few things:  Mr. Barrow will have to follow a proper diet, take some pill and quit smoking"

Andy rolled his eyes "Just quit smoking... Oh my, my" he laughed, looking suddenly younger.

"I make my rounds to see if everything is fine. Do you want to go to Mr. Barrow’s room or to wait here?"

Andy pointed to a chair in the waiting room "I’ll stay here to drink my tea. Thanks"

The ward was silent at that hour of the night, except for a patient who had had surgery that morning and complained in his sleep. Andy could hear the hum of the fluorescent lamps. Somewhere in the distance, someone was watching an episode of Doctor Who on TV. He had recognized the opening song.

After half an hour Samuel went and sat beside him. "Mr. Barrow is sleeping peacefully. I got the temperature and he didn’t notice"

"Good. He needs a rest"

"You should go to sleep, too. I put another blanket beside the chair"

"Thank you, Samuel. You are an angel"

The man blushed "It’s my job…”

After a moment of awkward silence, he added “Mr. Crawley came often. How do you know each other?"

"George? We worked for his grandparents, at Downton Abbey"

"That sort of castle near Ripon?"

"Yup"

"And what were you doing there? Oh excuse me, I didn’t want to be indiscreet"

"Don’t worry! I am an old man, and I am pleased to recall the old days, when I find someone who wants to listen!"

"You aren’t old at all!"

Andy laughed "I would like to not be... Anyway, I was a footman and Thomas was a butler. Sort of"

"Butler? Like Alfred the butler of Batman? Like Jeeves?"

"Like Lurch in The Addams Family, yes, exactly" Andy chuckled thinking of Thomas face’s if he’d have listened "It seems like it’s been a while… The war had  changed so many things. And the television, too"

"You've known each other for a long time!"

"Yes... Fortyfive years"

Samuel whistled "Blimey!"

Andy took out his wallet and picked up a yellowed photo. He handed it to Samuel "It was the wedding of George’s aunt... Lady Edith"

Samuel whistled again "Lords and Ladies… I am sorry but it sounds so strange… Mr. Barrow was really gorgeous! He looked like that italian actor, Rudolph Valentino... He is handsome even now!"

"It’s true! Women turn round to look back at him..." Andy replaced the picture carefully. to avoid creases on the edges, and got another "Here we are  with George, his wife, their two girls and the boy, Robert, for the graduation of the older, Violet"

"They must love you very much!"

"Yeah. And we love them"

Samuel made a strange, unreadable expression. He said, in a low voice "Is it really possible? For men like us?"

Andy looked at him with a mixture of irritation and suspicion.

"Excuse me, I didn’t mean to offend you, but you have been here the whole time, without eating,  with hardly any break,  always so concerned. And you are not a relative..."

Andy’s  bemused expression softened into a smile “Oh, it doesn’t matter. In my day you could not talk so openly about such things, it was dangerous, not only outrageous... I know the law has changed three years ago but I cannot get used to it"

The boy sighed "You know, it's not really easy even today ..."

At that moment Andy understood why Samuel was so interested "Yes, it takes courage. People are afraid of what they don’t know. Thomas has always been so brave. More than me. The first years were so difficult... I was so young , and confused. I didn’t know what to do with my life, and I listened to the advice of others instead of thinking about what I really wanted, needed…” Andy ran his fingers through his candid curls and adjusted his round, golden glasses.

"I got married too...A big mistake!"

"Really? And then what happened?"

"She is a great woman. She left me for another man. A few months after Thomas and I…  But we were already separated…  You have seen her the other day. Mrs. Nugent, with her husband, that tall guy, taller than me, and their daughter Beryl"

Samuel smiled "Yes, I remember them! They took food for a feast!"

“Yes! Them”  Andy crumpled the plastic cup and threw it in the trash with a launch "Listen, only you know what’s best for you. For the both of us it was to stay together. It wasn’t easy. Sometimes one of us made suffer the other. But we wanted to be together. There are other ways, too. The only thing you can’t do is  to pretend, ignoring your own nature, your own desires.  It doesn’t end well. It will make you suffer every day of your life wanting it to be the last. Let yourself be happy”

Samuel gave him a sad look “I’ll try, I promise”

 “Good boy" Andy patted him on the back “"Good night, Samuel"

“Good night, Mr Parker”

Andy walked across the empty corridor into the room and sit down in the chair beside the bed, wrapping himself into  the blanket. Then put his hand next to Thomas’s. His companion grabbed him gently intertwining their fingers.

Thomas was close to him. They were still together.


End file.
